How do you catch a cloud and pin it down? (cw: loss, death, grief, family loss, pet loss)

     It's been a very strange month for me. I'm autistic, I lost one of the people who raised me, and some other stuff has happened that has simply been a lot to deal with and to continue to deal with. It's been weird navigating my self-diagnosis of autism because I've had a creeping suspicion for a long time now and also even though it's unofficial the suspicion was further confirmed by a friend who works in the educational system who brought up the possibility when I was describing some of my childhood "quirks" (for example; hating the feel of lotion and other sticky or greasy feeling substances to the point of needing to wash or wipe my hands because otherwise, I panic or rather am overstimulated by the constant sensory input, I mean Hello Dolly!). It's very strange to come to some of these realizations as someone who raised me directly though is not a direct parent passed away at the beginning of this month. If you think I'm being overcoy I'm just going to gesture vaguely to this secondary dystopian nightmare we all willingly subject ourselves to on a daily basis and hope you understand. :)

    I'm in my early thirties, a cisgender bisexual white woman, and I grew up in the midwest and moved to the west coast post-college. I built a lot of my identity around being a gifted kid so sounding like a robot is like my ultimate mask off though if I'm correct and I also have ADHD (which wouldn't be amiss given that my biological father is what I would call a poster child for it though I'm definitely not a psychologist) so sometimes when it comes out in a rush it's more like a valley girl with a scratch in her CD aka her voice. Though the more I learn about autism the more I realize they share a lot of traits but both are underdiagnosed and frequently overlooked entirely in the case of women. 

    I also had a childhood that was the perfect hiding spot for neurodivergence. Given the stories and experiences I've heard others share I know that this is entirely a double-edged sword especially since there are plenty of other extenuating circumstances that were highly negative about my childhood, but as an adult looking back, I can't imagine anything good out of being diagnosed as a kid growing up in the 90's especially given the people involved in the situation at the time. However, in the glorious cloak of anonymity and grandparents who thought it was important to show and explain things like good manners it was very easy to be prepared in a lot of situations. In fact, given the widely misinterpreted and misunderstood "script" tweet that went around (i.e. people not realizing that the point wasn't to sound like a borg collective of robots but rather have a FRAME to build on top of and EDIT as needed) I really don't have much social anxiety around anonymous social interactions. I do get forgetful and get tripped up on words which can fluster me but that isn't a dealbreaker unless there is some other major stressor occurring.

    I've noticed, for example, that it really bothers me when people try to box me in, especially, in the real world. They insinuate that they know what I really want or desire but instead of having a Lucifer-esque power to compel the truth the more bothersome part is usually the underlying assumptions; funny how, long before I ever considered myself autistic, society was racing to label me as some kind of crazy for being a woman or too compassionate or being fair. It absolutely does not surprise me to be neurodivergent when I've been divergent from many of my peers in so many respects. I think that's why I'd end up choking up a lot as a kid when I'd have intense emotions and try to speak. It was so overwhelming to be asked to identify what I wasn't even sure I knew how to articulate. It was bad enough feeling those feelings and knowing that it was hard to talk about without some kind of pathology and other types of prodding and poking lurking on top. Nosy peers did plenty of that for free. I am going to miss the people who knew me best but the truth is that it's strange because I had in some ways mourned those relationships a while ago. It's hard to be on open terms with those who aren't open with you.

    It's also hard to live a life where your opinion is constantly interrogated. For the record people, if there are only certain options you need to tell your autistic child the PARAMETERS so they don't get constantly hurt or undermined when what they pick is either too expensive or isn't "useful". Even worse was the following anxiety of breaking, using, or losing the thing so agonizingly picked over from every angle. My grandparents were raised during the Great Depression so some of this was their own damage getting paid forward but it is genuinely stressful to have too many options and no information. Why, hello, yes, I am yet another autistic person that identifies heavily with the characters Data and Seven of Nine, input information, please! It's absolutely no wonder I had to re-write my self-esteem programming and that there are still plenty of glitches in this matrix. It's hard not to get discouraged. It's hard to feel those absences and know that there was such a gulf between us and yet also understanding and familiarity with the stakes. The pain of the unknown is worse than a long lingering loss. I feel like sometimes when people talk about regret what they really mean is the tearing and twisting up you do inside over the things that were really best for you even though it might seem cold on the outside.

    Trauma is hard. People passing away stirs up the things you think are settled. You hit replay because of the good times and you wonder about the bad. The curse is that for a lot of these traumas it's a damned if you do and a damned if you don't but one thing everyone could do is take the communication of children seriously. Fuck ups and hiccups are all going to occur in equal measure but it's really how you respond to them that makes the key difference. Everything is still hard and that's okay. For the record, I'm okay. I'm just tired and wanted to get some things off my chest. I've used a lot of words and meandering to say that it's been hard to know myself lately. It's a struggle we all feel and wonder about when it comes to our core self and being. I think part of that fear causes us to hold onto parts of our identities or traits when we aren't required. It's hardest to be yourself in a realm where everyone wants you chained to your doubts. Trust me, you know yourself, for some reason whens someone asks you to articulate that it falls straight out of your brain but for me...

when I sit down in front of a computer and I open a blank word document there is something relaxing about a show or music in the background and nothing but the gentle tapping of the keys. The flat separated keys aren't quite as smooth for me but I'm getting better and I like the sound these ones make. My regular keyboard for my desktop is pretty nice except for the funky enter key that makes the pinky stretch from my tiny hands a bit more acrobatic. It lights up though which is fun too. That's me just like the person who plays Cities: Skylines is also me and the person who has an awesome cat is me. In the quiet moments, I find myself and I know her. 

Anyway, I just want to exist without silly assumptions.